Communicating your wants and needs may not come easy, especially when sharing how you like to express and experience affection. Sharing these parts of ourselves can reset our personal and professional relationships and help us begin to understand ourselves on a deeper level. But where do we start?
In his bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr Gary Chapman identified five love languages we use to give and receive love that can make those conversations easier to navigate. Those love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
So, how can we begin speaking our love language and communicating it to our partners?
Discovering Your Love Language
To discover your love language, reflect on expressions of love that resonate with you the most. Think about things people have done for you that have made you feel appreciated or even times when you’ve felt disappointed or misunderstood in relationships. What do you want and need from your partner to feel valued?
Start a conversation with them about how you both like to express and experience love. You might find that you share a love language but perform it differently. For example, you may both choose acts of service, but one of you may show love by working hard to pay the bills, and the other may show it by diligently running the household and keeping you all happy, healthy and well-fed.
It’s common for couples to have different love languages. The key is to respect your differences and search for common ground. If one of you favours physical touch, talk about what feels good and what you’re both comfortable with so you can both enjoy it. That’s not to say you can’t ask your partner to show you affection in your preferred way too. Share simple ways they could better meet your needs, ‘Instead of buying flowers, I’d love it if you could run errands for me.’
Have fun, experiment, and enjoy getting to know one another!
The Five Love Languages
The love language framework is a strong starting point for developing healthy communication, but there are some things you need to remember before you welcome it into your life:
- Never rely on the framework to feel secure in your relationship.
- Avoid looking to them to affirm your self-worth.
- Don’t view them as transactional (otherwise, it becomes love-by-numbers).
- Try not to overthink their language, and express gratitude when your partner attempts to speak yours.
Communicating your love language doesn’t just benefit romantic relationships, it can also have a positive impact on your personal and professional development.
So, what do love languages look like in action?
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
People who use words of affirmation as their love language feel loved when they’re given verbal or written appreciation and encouragement.
Self: Embracing positive self-talk, journaling your gratitude, following a self-love meditation, starting each day with morning mantras and celebrating your achievements.
Relationship: Saying ‘I love you’, giving spontaneous compliments, offering words of support, leaving handwritten notes, and asking about their day.
Work: Giving verbal praise, offering encouragement, responding to their emails promptly, and putting effort into their appraisals.
QUALITY TIME
People with quality time as their love language feel loved when they’re able to enjoy their partner’s undivided attention. According to a poll, this is the UK’s most common love language.
Self: Enjoying solo outings doing things you love, embracing mindfulness and being fully present, dedicating afternoons to your hobbies, settling down for much-needed nights in, and letting your mind wander whilst walking in nature.
Relationship: Technology-free conversations, showing an interest in their interests, embracing weekly rituals (like post-dinner strolls), learning new skills together, and planning distraction-free dates.
Work: Impromptu chats at the coffee machine, asking for their work-related opinions, prioritising in-person interactions, and inviting them to attend work events relevant to their professional interests.
RECEIVING GIFTS
People with receiving gifts as their love language feel loved when they’re given thoughtful symbols of appreciation.
Self: Buying something small that will make your life easier, ordering a takeaway when you don’t feel like cooking, having a sort out and falling back in love with items you own, booking a class to learn new skills, and treating yourself to something that makes you feel good.
Relationship: Picking up their favourite treats just because, surprising them with sentimental keepsakes, purchasing items you know they’re running out of, leaving thoughtful notes for them to find, and buying little things that made you think of them.
Work: Giving them well-earned pay rises or bonuses, investing in their professional development, gifting resources or equipment that’d be of use, and buying them their favourite coffee or breaktime snack.
ACTS OF SERVICE
People with acts of service as their love language feel loved when others perform everyday romantic gestures that are thoughtful, helpful, and loving.
Self: Crossing off half-finished house projects that have been draining your energy, setting or affirming healthy boundaries, scheduling overdue appointments, having a digital declutter to quieten the noise, and batch cooking nourishing meals to top up your freezer.
Relationship: Bringing them a cuppa in bed, running errands for them, cooking dinner so they can put their feet up, taking care of the housework, and running calming baths at the end of a long day.
Work: Offering support during challenging times, lightening your colleague’s workload, doing a coffee run when they need it most, and using your specific skills to help them solve a problem.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
People with physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive physical intimacy.
Self: Treating yourself to an ‘everything’ shower complete with all the lotions and potions, doing an at-home yoga class, wearing something that feels good on your skin, trying self-massage to alleviate stress, and creating a cosy nest with soft blankets.
Relationship: Kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, experimenting with soothing massage, and having sex.
Work: Giving eye contact when speaking, smiling and using positive body language, shaking hands, and high-fiving (where appropriate and with consent).
How Love Languages Benefit Relationships
Whilst love languages are a first step towards improving your relationship, they can be a powerful communication tool. Identifying your love languages can help you talk about your needs and understand one another more intimately. It can also make you aware of times when your partner is expressing their love for you, even if they’re not speaking your primary love language.
This shared connection can prevent arguments before they begin and even stop resentment from building, as there’s less chance your partner will feel taken for granted. I often see couples where one partner devotes themselves to their work to afford their family a comfortable lifestyle; meanwhile, their partner does not feel heard, appreciated or seen and is starved of intimacy. When these couples open up about how they express their love, they’re better able to understand their individual needs and appreciate one another’s efforts.
It’s not about meeting expressions of love with Oscar-worthy declarations of gratitude. It’s about gently acknowledging your partner’s efforts and thanking them for them, ‘Thank you for cooking this delicious meal. I really appreciate the extra time it gave me to do X.’ This stops it from becoming a tedious box-ticking exercise without allowing the action to go unnoticed.
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You won’t always get it right. It may take time, patience, and a willingness to wander outside your comfort zone before you get to grips with one another’s love language, but it’s always worth it.
Try something new for a week before reviewing the changes to help find what works for both of you. Experiment with the practical applications above, or work with me in the therapy room to discover even more tools you can use to reset your relationship.
I’m Carla Devereux, an experienced relationship psychotherapist helping couples and individuals explore challenging emotions, behaviours and deep-rooted issues with an integrated therapeutic approach.
Book your sessions by emailing carla@carladevereux.com or calling 0121 745 9044. Bookmark my blog, or follow me on LinkedIn, Instagram or X, for more insights.
