Are you struggling to communicate your feelings in your relationship or at work? Do you feel you are not heard, acknowledged or appreciated? Understanding how you and your partner or colleagues process information could help.
Communication is often cited as the key to a successful personal or business relationship. But what happens when, despite all your efforts, you feel unheard or misunderstood? You may become frustrated, even angry, and perhaps shouting or shutting down, knowing your concerns, thoughts, or ideas haven’t been processed as you hoped.
If you’ve been in this situation, you’re not alone. Many people experience this breakdown in communication, but the good news is that it does not reflect the worth of your relationship. Often, it’s about how we process information, which we can easily change when we know how.
Sense the Triggers
It’s common to feel as if your partner or colleague isn’t listening. You might have a recurring issue or concern that you bring up repeatedly, only to be met with silence or a disinterested reaction. Over time, this can trigger frustration and even lead to explosive outbursts, where you behave like a child throwing a tantrum, hoping your partner will ‘hear’ you. And when that happens, it’s easy to provoke your partner into a defensive, reactive stance, sparking what can feel like a never-ending power battle.
You might even start questioning your own worth, assuming that you’re not good enough to be heard. The truth, however, is much simpler than that.
What’s Your Thinking Style?
The real culprit behind these misunderstandings often lies in how people process information. Here, we discuss two types – internal and external processors – and how their differences can significantly impact communication dynamics in a relationship.
Internal processors tend to take information in, reflect on it, and think it through before they speak. For them, it’s not about verbalising their thoughts until they’ve thoroughly analysed them. They want to be sure about what they’re saying before offering a solution or opinion. They tend to be quieter and solutions-focused. External processors, on the other hand, think out loud. They need to talk through their feelings and ideas to reach a conclusion or understand the problem better. For them, speaking is how they process information, even if they sometimes repeat themselves.
These different processing and communication styles can lead to frustration. The quiet, internal processing individual may feel overwhelmed by their chatty, external processing partner. The talkative, external processing partner may feel frustrated about their quieter counterpart’s lack of engagement and communication.
Interestingly, research suggests that men are more likely to be internal processors, while women tend to be external processors, and occasionally, the opposite also happens. But the key takeaway here is that neither style is ‘wrong. ‘ They’re just different ways of handling information. Recognising these differences can make all the difference in how you communicate with your partner.
Accepting Your Differences
Once you understand that these processing styles do not reflect how much someone cares, it becomes easier to communicate more effectively. The challenge is accepting that your partner might process things very differently from you, which is okay. You can find a balance and adjust your communication style so both partners feel valued and understood.
Here are a few strategies that can help you communicate better with your partner, no matter your processing style:
Communicate Better
For external processors (those who talk to think): If you’re the type who needs to talk things through to make sense of them, let your partner know that you need to process verbally. Set aside time to discuss specific issues, and remind your partner that you’re not looking for solutions immediately, just space to think aloud. This will give them context for your conversation, allowing them to listen without the pressure of jumping into problem-solving mode.
For internal processors (those who think to talk): If you prefer to think through everything internally before discussing it with your partner, make sure you express this need. Let them know that you may need time to reflect before you’re ready to have a conversation. When you do bring up an issue, invite your partner to share their thoughts without indicating that you’ve already made a decision or that their input is unnecessary. This will ensure you’re engaging in a collaborative discussion, rather than simply delivering a conclusion.
Understanding is Essential
As a relationship therapist, I see the dynamic between internal and external processors in nearly every couple I work with. It’s one of the most common causes of communication breakdowns. However, once this difference is understood and managed, it can completely transform the way couples communicate with one another.
In my own marriage, I experienced this firsthand. I’m an external processor, meaning I tend to talk things out as I try to figure them out. My husband, on the other hand, is very much an internal processor. There have been countless times when I’ve rambled on about a problem, only to realise that he stopped listening after the first sentence. We laugh about it now, but we also understand that if the topic is important, we need to set aside time to talk about it thoughtfully.
By taking the time to acknowledge and appreciate our differences, we’ve learned to communicate much more effectively. We no longer feel the need to shout or get frustrated, and we’ve developed a deeper sense of empathy toward each other’s processing styles.
In Conclusion
If you’re struggling to communicate effectively in your relationship, remember: it’s not about being heard as much as it is about understanding how your partner processes information. Whether you’re an internal or external processor, learning to respect and accommodate each other’s styles is key to improving communication.
By opening the door to more thoughtful, intentional conversations, you’re not only avoiding misunderstandings but also strengthening the foundation of your relationship. So, take a moment to sense the triggers, understand your partner’s processing style, and communicate with care. Your relationship—and your peace of mind—will thank you for it.
Further Reading
If you want to find out more about this, I can recommend a great book which covers this topic – ‘Words that Change Minds’ by Shelley Rose Charvet. Check out the short book review about it on my website (hyperlink).
Think for a moment about the way you process information, ideas, and issues and remember that to get the response you want from your partner, you might need to think and behave differently.
If you want some help so you can realise the benefits sooner rather than later, give me a call on 0121 745 9044 to book an appointment.
